The Selfless News Report

Hello everyone and welcome to Random Writings! I am your author Random Writer.

The blog post below is a satirical one. It features many satirical devices: verbal irony, absurdity, and logical fallacy just to name a few.

Let me give you a little context before you dive head-long into it.

Below is a transcript of a TV show ironically called The Selfless Report. It is ironic because the main purpose of this random writing is to take something very unimportant and make it extremely important.Then, take something very important and make it extremely unimportant.

The bulk of the transcript that follows this introduction is a pre-recorded segment of the live 6/6/16 edition of The Selfless Report.

One of the co-anchors, Lindsay Stickar when out on the streets of Jambrie, North Dakota, to ask people this serious question: “ How did the Selfie Stick change your life “ ?

Transcript of The Selfless News Report, 6/4/16 edition 

 

Where we sacrificed our pride, dignity, and bodies to inform you, the viewer.

John: Hello and welcome to Selfless News! I’m John Perint.

Lindsay: And I’m Lindsay Stickar.

John: We open up the show with a very serious topic: The Selfie Stick. This miraculous innovation of engineering was invented by Hiroshi Veda of Japan 30 years ago. His invention has changed so many people’s lives for the better.   

Lindsay: That’s right John. I took this important and serious topic to the streets of Jambrie, North Dakota.

Lindsay ( on the streets ) : I’m here with…

Street goer #1: Maddie Filter.

Lindsay: Okay Maddie, I am going to ask you a really important and serious question. Are you ready?

Maddie: Yes, I’m ready.

Lindsay: How has the Selfie Stick changed your life?

Maddie: The Selfie Stick has given me the ability get a job as a professor at Stanford.

Lindsay: Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Maddie: Yes. I was studying for my degree in astrophysics and I decided to take pictures of me, my friends, and this dog named Ginger. The Stanford people saw them on SelfieStick.org and decided to give me a job as a professor.

Lindsay: Do can you tell the viewers their reason for hiring you?

Maddie: To be honest, I don’t know why. They said it was because they liked the dog in the picture or something like that.

Lindsay: That’s interesting. Did you get your degree in astrophysics?

Maddie:No, I changed my major to Liberal Arts.

(Cut to the next street goer)

Lindsay: I’m here with…

Street goer #2: Burt Lighting.

Lindsay: Okay Burt, I am going to ask you a really important and serious question. Are you ready?

Burt: Sure.

Lindsay: How has the Selfie Stick changed your life?

Burt: The Selfie Stick helped me get an A+ in my World Economics class.

Lindsay: Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Burt: Sure. I was alone in my two bedroom condo where I and my Jackrabbit named Veda. When I saw the Selfie Stick online for free. I decided to order it and helped me cheat on tests. All I had to do was put my phone in the holder and then take a picture of the answers of the smartest person in the class. That simple. Wait… This isn’t going to air is it? Get me out of here! Shut off that camera.

(No Transition)  

Lindsay: I’m here with…

Street goer #3:Jamie Cam-Era.

Lindsay: Okay Jamie, I am going to ask you a really important and serious question. Are you ready?

Jamie: Absolutely.

Lindsay: How has the Selfie Stick changed your life?

Jamie: The Selfie Stick helped me get my Masters Degree in Spanish.

Lindsay: Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Jamie: Absolutely. I was in the N.D.P, sitting on a bench when it hit me. I should get the Selfie Stick and bring it on my externship to Guadalajara.

Lindsay: What happened next?

Jamie: Absolutely nothing. I just took a few selfies with the Selfie Stick and… BAM Emerald Lagasse saw me and helped me get my Masters Degree.

Lindsay: Wow that is quite the story. Can you say something in Spanish for everyone watching at home?

Jamie: absolutamente! Este espectáculo es el peor espectáculo en el mundo. Preferiría ver pintura seca de esta debacle del llamado News Report.*

Lindsay: Thank you so much for those kind words.

(fade to the next street goer)

Lindsay: I’m here with…

Street goer #4:Eugene Kodak.

Lindsay: Okay Eugene, I am going to ask you a really important and serious question. Are you ready?

Eugene: I guess so.

Lindsay: How has the Selfie Stick changed your life?

Eugene: The Selfie Stick helped me become the mayor of this very city.

Lindsay: Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Eugene: I guess so. When I was a child my father was a carpenter and my mother was a hockey player in the AFHL. That stands for the All Female Hockey League. We grow up in a suburban house in a small town of Redburrow, Tennessee. We were middle class and I went to school at General Custer Elementary School. Our rivals were Indian Elementary. We always lost the annual flag football game.

10 hours later…

And that is how the Selfie Stick helped me become the mayor of this very city.

Lindsay ( just getting up from her 9 nap ) : Thank you for sharing.

Eugene: Anytime! Come back tomorrow and I’ll tell these great viewers of yours the time were I got my first camera caught in the toaster.

Lindsay ( back in the studio ) : As you can see the Selfie Stick has changed people’s life for the better.

John: That’s right Lindsay. It’s shocking how a simple plastic pipe with a mount on the top of it has taken over people’s lives. It is truly a revolutionary product. We all have Hiroshi Veda to thank.

John: Coming up next on the Selfless Report, gender neutral bathrooms. Gender equality becoming a minor issue in the US.
* This show is the worst show in the world. I would rather watch paint dry than this debacle of a so-called News Report.

Published by Random Writer on June 4, 2016

 

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